Hold Me Together While I Crumble
by Callisto-HK
Summary: He was pretty sure he'd waken up; but if he had, then why nothing seemed right? Was some creature messing with his head again? A demon? An angel? He certainly had too many enemies among them... He couldn't make sense of anything; everything seemed right AND wrong. How was that possible? /*Spoiler Alert for season 9* - Dean-centric / Rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** I think this story is somehow an AU, but I honestly can't be sure! Just know that **there will be lots of spoilers for season 9 and Dean's storyline**._

_No need to mention this is Dean-centric with lots of hurt!Dean. But Sam is there just as much._

_Hope you enjoy this story as well and share your thoughts with me._

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**. Hold Me Together While I Crumble .**

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Waking up actually felt good for a change and absently Dean thought that he hadn't slept that good in a very _very_ long time. Stretching his body, happily in his bed, proved to be the wrong move, though, as pain ran up through his leg and took his breath away.

Gingerly pushing himself up, Dean looked down at his legs, noticing that the left one was in a heavy cast from the sole of his foot up to his thigh.

He blinked owlishly and tried to remember what had happened, only to end up drawing a blank. He shook his head in confusion and for the first time noticed that the room and the bed and practically _everything_ around him looked totally unfamiliar.

'_Great_.' He thought to himself, '_What other universe have I landed myself in, this time?'_

His suspicious and fear only increased when the door to his room opened slightly and a small head with a bundle of blond hair appeared from behind the door to take a peek into the room. Before Dean's mind could register what he was seeing, the door was flung open and a little girl ran inside, throwing herself at him, shrieking something scarily like '_Daddyyyy_.'

Looking down at the girl who couldn't be more than five, Dean cursed himself for being clumsy in yet another hunt. Or was he dead and this was heaven? Wait, maybe he was dreaming after dealing with another Djinn! Damn! There were just too many alternatives.

When the girl didn't get any response, she pulled back and looked at him with wide eyes. "Daddy?" she repeated more slowly and that was when Dean heard another set of footsteps.

He looked up from the girl in his arms and sighed with relief. A familiar face was always welcome, even if that person weren't on the same boat as he was.

"Sammy?" he asked uncertainly; he could remember that the last time that he'd ended up in another perfect life, Sam had been distant and didn't like being called Sammy. Well, Sam in _every_ world was against that nickname, but in the real world, Dean knew that Sam would just complain good-naturedly. At least, it used to be that way. They were anything _but_ close, recently.

"Man, about time you woke up." Sam smiled, apparently not minding the nickname at all. "We've started to think about getting you back to the hospital."

"We?" Dean frowned and before Sam could say anything in response, the little girl clinging to his chest turned around and looked at Sam.

"Uncle Sam. Daddy is still not OK." she said quietly, and Dean slightly grimaced at the sadness in her voice.

Sam studied his brother and walked further into the room.

"Lily, honey, why don't you go watch the rest of your cartoon? Your Daddy's just woken up; he's still a bit confused. Remember when we explained to you how he hurt his head?"

The little girl nodded vigorously and the looked back at Dean with big eyes. After a couple of seconds, she leaned forward and gave Dean's cheek a kiss. "I love you, Daddy." she hugged him one more time before walking out of the room dejectedly, all traces of cheerfulness were gone from her little steps.

"I-" Dean truly looked at a loss and disoriented, and well, a little bit guilty; he really hadn't meant to hurt that little girl's feelings, but he just wasn't sure how to react since he didn't even know what was going on. "What's going on, Sam?"

Sam frowned and sat down on the edge of his brother's bed. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Dean had to actually think about it for a full minute and finally the pain in his head stopped him from jogging his memory any further. "Honestly, just that we were in the bunker. I remember we were looking for Abaddon and... And I know I was feeling pretty shitty, but this?... I can't remember anything about this." he pointed at his leg and then looked at the room around him.

"Bunker?" Sam's eyes were wide. "Abaddon?" the amount of shock in his voice and his eyes easily convinced Dean that this was just like the last time. Everything was just a figment of his imagination; what he wished he could have and knew that would never happen. At that thought, his eyes hardened and he started to think about finding a sliver knife to finish that stupid dream sooner. He wasn't going to go through another one of those dreams.

"But Dean," Sam's voice brought him back to the present. "That was 7 _years_ ago."

"What?" Now Dean was really puzzled. Was it another trick? Like when in the other dream his family had tried to tell him that he was needed there?

Well, he guessed he could demand some answers first. "What's happened to me anyway?" he looked down at his leg.

"Hunting accident." Sam replied absently; he clearly was trying to deal with a different set of problems in his head.

"Hun-" Dean blinked. "You mean we're hunters in this world, too?" he asked. "Hunters as in... Demon hunters?" he didn't care if it sounded crazy; if this was a dream, he wasn't going to live it long.

"Yes, Dean and what do you mean in _this_ world?" Sam asked in return. "Wait. Wait. You think this is like the time when that Djinn touched you? Dean, this is not a dream." he suddenly sounded terrified. "Please. O God. Dean, promise me you won't think about killing yourself with a silver knife. This isn't a dream, Dean. You do that and you'll die for good and your daughter will be deprived of yet another parent. Her _only_ parent... And she's so depended on you. She literally can't go without checking on you or hearing your voice for more than a few hours. Please, Dean. Please promise me you won't do that. To her. To us." he was almost begging his brother and sounded so desperate.

Dean felt completely lost. Sam knew about the other dream and the Djinn and hunting and... But if it was true, then why couldn't he remember anything about those 7 years Sam had mentioned? And what was it about being that little girl's parent? Her _only_ parent and... "Dammit." He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and growled loudly.

It was getting harder and harder to ignore the pain.

"I think we really should take you back to the hospital." Sam said worriedly and started to get up, but Dean grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

"Not before I get some answers." he demanded hoarsely. "What do you mean by _'__we'_? And what the hell has _exactly_ happened to me? Who's... Umm, Lily? And where is her mother? What the hell happened to Abaddon and the bunker and everything that we were doing? What the hell is going on? What the-"

"Please." Sam growled. "Would you stop using that word? There's a child in this house and I'm sure later you'll have _my_ head if she learns it." Sam said miserably. "That girl is your _daughter_. Lillian Mary Winchester. Her mother... Umm, she... She's passed away." he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Three years ago... She had cancer and... Er, well, you weren't married. You-"

"We were going to, though." Dean added unconsciously and his own eyes widened.

_'Where had that come from? How could he know that-'_ his head was suddenly filled with different images of a woman with blue eyes and black hair and with those images the pain in his head hit him full force until he couldn't focus on anything else.

The next thing he knew, he was lying down on his bed, groaning miserably with his fingers pressed against his temples. Sam was a few feet away, pacing the room up and down while talking frantically with someone on the phone.

Dean barely noticed the little girl who was clutching his shirt in her small hands. Her little beautiful face was wet with tears and it broke Dean's heart so much that despite the killer headache, he clamped his mouth shut and stifled the groans of pain.

Plastering a wan smile on his face, Dean tried to reassure the little girl. "It's..." he couldn't form a sentence without adding to his headache. "I'm 'K. Shh." he tried to sooth the little girl but his world faded to black a few moments later.

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**... TBC ...**

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_**A/N: I'd love to know what you think.**_

_**Things will get clearer in the next two chapters and then there will be some explanation and lots of spoilers for season 9. Hope you stay tuned.**_

_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	2. Chapter 2

_Plastering a wan smile on his face, Dean tried to reassure the little girl. "It's..." he couldn't form a sentence without adding to his headache. "I'm 'K. Shh." he tried to sooth the little girl but his world faded to black a few moments later._

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The next time Dean woke up, he was in a different room; a white one with a dimly glowing light in the far corner and the slumped figure of his brother, snoring in the chair next to the bed. That was all he noticed before drifting off one more time.

When he woke up next, it wasn't on his own will; he was actually being poked and a kind, yet firm voice was asking him to open his eyes.

Finally pulling his mind back from the blissful abyss that had surrounded him, he blinked his eyes open and with some difficulty focused on the guy in a white coat.

"Welcome back." The man smiled. "You've gotten more possessive since the last time... No, the time before that when you were here. I can't spend all my time with you, you know? I have other patients. You gotta learn how to share me." he grinned cheekily.

Dean looked at him blankly and wondered if this guy thought he was funny.

"You don't remember me, do you?" the doctor smiled ruefully. "It's alright. It'll come back to you. I'm pretty hard to forget."

With that simple phrase the events of the last day, _was it even the last day?,_ rushed back through his head and he grimaced with pain.

"Hey. Hey, easy. Don't push it. We'd like for you to stay seizure-free if it's all the same to you."

"Sam?" Dean sounded hoarse. "Lily?" he added tentatively, because he could clearly remember the little girl's terrified face and at that moment, it didn't matter if he couldn't actually remember who she was, what mattered was that he'd scared a little girl.

"They're down in the cafeteria. Sam took her down for breakfast." The doctor explained.

"Do I know you?" Dean finally asked.

"You do." The man just nodded. "You just don't remember it, yet; which I'm not going to hold against you since I'm an awesome friend."

"Friend?" '_Since when he was friends with a doctor?'_

"I don't want you to over-think things, Dean. Let's just say I'm Adam Gray and I'm gonna make sure that little Lily won't be deprived of his father, too." he said grimly. "We did some tests and scans and found some minor bleeding in your skull, that's why you should stay here awhile longer. But it doesn't seem significant and the medicine we're giving you is already taking care of it."

"The memory loss?" Dean asked, even though he still wasn't sure it was actually memory problems he was experiencing.

"Yes, we're actually a bit concerned about that. Sam explained a few things to me, but there's nothing to show why you can't remember the last seven years of your life. Of course the head trauma and the severe concussion could cause these things, but we're hoping that you can remember everything on your own."

"And if I don't?" Dean asked darkly.

"You will. Give it some time."

"Then why the hell do I have to stay in this bed?" Dean growled. "Son of a Bitch." he growled when another wave of pain hit him.

Adam's eyes went wide when he heard those crude words coming out of Dean's mouth. For all he knew, Dean, because of Lily, would never use that kind of language. "Wow, you do know some colorful words, after all."

"Huh?" Dean narrowed his eyes.

Adam shrugged innocently. "Nothing, I just have started to think that your dictionary lacked any swear words."

Dean blinked. "Then you clearly don't know me well." '_Because seriously? Dean cursed as easily as he gulped down a whole bottle of whiskey. Wait_-_'_ "The next thing you tell me is that I don't drink, isn't it?" he smirked despite the situation.

"Well, you do... Drink beer, I mean... Um, I guess, a bottle or two during the weekends if Lily is not around."

Dean's eyes widened and he started to chuckle. "Now I know this is not real."

"What do you mean this is not real?" Adam frowned.

"Dean?" Sam chose that exact moment to enter his room. "Hey, Lily, look who's awake." he said to the little girl who was in his arms.

"Daddy?" the small child's eyes were suddenly filled with tears and the moment Sam put her down, she ran to Dean's side and pulled herself up to Dean's chest. "Please, Daddy. Please, don't go to Mommy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I touched your knife. You promised me you won't go."

Dean was so confused that if he hadn't raised Sam and hadn't dealt with him and other kids, he probably wouldn't know what to do. But those experiences and probably his forgotten ones with Lily led him to pull his baby girl into a firm hug and without thinking about it, he started to murmur reassuring words in her ear. "Hey. Hey. Shh. Calm down, Baby. I'm not going anywhere." he kissed her on the top of the head and closed his eyes. "Daddy's not going anywhere. Where else can I find another little Lil as cute as you?" He was the only one who had the right to call the little girl '_Lil_' and he'd used that nickname unconsciously and this time the only ones who noticed it were Sam and Adam who exchanged a look and stepped outside.

"So?" Sam asked when Adam closed the door behind him to give the father and daughter some privacy.

"I got the result of his tests back. The minor bleeding we detected yesterday morning is resolving and everything else looks fine."

"Then why can't he remember anything?" Sam asked worriedly.

"He received a hard blow to his head. The head trauma can cause that. And-" he chewed the inside of his cheek.

"And what?" Sam frowned when Adam didn't continue.

"And we both know that he's still having a hard time dealing with Claire's death. He's never dealt with it properly."

"That's Dean for you." Sam said ruefully. "It was the same when our father died; when the guy who was like an uncle to us died; or whenever one of our real friends would die. Heck, he kept everything inside when he had to leave the first love of his life in order not to put her in danger. Dealing properly is just not his style. He bottles things up and lets them fester."

"And one day all those bottled-up pains and grief would break him down." Adam noted, trying to tell Sam that Dean's amnesia could be a result of emotional traumas.

"He's 42, Adam. Do you have any idea how many times people have said that about him? He might not deal with pain and grief properly, but he's the strongest person I've ever known. Too strong if you ask me. Somehow he always pulls through."

"Sam, he's forgotten the last 7 years of his life." Adam reasoned. "He's strong, but when he keeps ignoring his needs, his body will find another way to deal with grief and pain."

"Maybe; but if there's one thing I know for sure is that the last 7 years have been relatively easy. What we... _He_ had gone through before that is way worse and I bet he remembers every single event of those 35 years. If it was his body's way to deal with grief, he should've forgotten way more than 7 years. More like... 37 years."

"Maybe Claire's death has hit him harder than you think. Maybe it's been the last straw. We can't forget what happened all those years ago and Claire was there at that time."

"Claire has been dead for 3 years. He's been dealing with it in his own way. Hunting, for one thing, calms him down."

He was glad that Adam knew about their former life; it meant that they had a doctor handy when strange and unexplainable accidents happened to them.

Adam shook his head, knowing he could never completely understand the mystery that was Dean Winchester. "Well, all things considered, you have to let him remember things on his own."

"What if he asks questions again? That's what he was doing before that seizure happened. And is he going to have any more of those episodes? Because Lily was scared to death witnessing the first one." _'And so was I_._' _he added silently.

"With the bleeding gone, there shouldn't be any more seizure. But if he asks questions, try to either elude or just give him some hints in answer. I know he's gonna have lots of questions; just don't bombard him with information. He's going to suffer from headaches for a while and those things could get so ugly that could bring anyone to his knees, even someone like Dean."

Sam sighed wearily. "Easier said than done."

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**... TBC ...**

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_**A/N: Thanks for your reviews and nice words. They mean more than you can imagine as they give me energy to work faster. I'm sorry I couldn't respond individually this time. I've been quite busy and figured working on the next chapter was a better way to show my gratitude. :)  
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_**Also thanks for alerts and faves. :)**_

_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	3. Chapter 3

**_IMPORTANT A/N: There is one thing I think I should mention here; I've already told you that there will be lots of spoilers for season 9 in this story as it's based on the events of this season; but when I wrote down the plot of this story, only 17 episodes of season 9 had been aired, 17 episodes and a promo for episode 18. So, what you read will have nothing to do with what actually happens on the show and how things end or continue there. I'm going solely with my own imagination and there will be no spoilers for episode 18 and those that come after it._**

**_Enjoy this chapter and the whole story._**

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_"With the bleeding gone, there shouldn't be any more seizure. But if he asks questions, try to either elude or just give him some hints in answer. I know he's gonna have lots of questions; just don't bombard him with information. He's going to suffer from headaches for a while and those things could get so ugly that could bring anyone to his knees, even someone like Dean."_

_Sam sighed wearily. "Easier said than done."_

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And it really was just like Sam had said, because Dean had always been like a dog with a bone! He just wouldn't let it go if he was looking for some answers.

And his questions started as soon as they were back in their house and Lily fell asleep on his chest.

"Sam. I need answers." Dean whispered to his brother.

_'Seriously? Now?'_ the younger brother thought wearily. "Dean, you heard Adam... Umm, your doctor."

"I know who Adam is."

"You do?" Sam's eyes went wide.

Dean had to roll his eyes. "Yes, Sam. He introduced himself. And so far, it doesn't seem like I have any problem with my short-time memory."

"Oh."

"Nice try, though." Dean shook his head with slight amusement.

Feigning innocence Sam just looked at him and was about to find an excuse to leave the room when Dean grabbed his arm.

"Don't. Please." his eyes were so pain-filled that Sam couldn't take it; so he sighed and sank into the bed beside his brother.

"On _one_ condition." he finally gave in. "You can ask only two questions and they shouldn't be big ones. Let's see how your head takes it."

"Those were _two_ conditions!" Dean pointed out. "And I'll ask _three _questions, but-" he held his finger up to stop Sam from interrupting him. "But if you think that I could remember the answer to what I'm asking with some hints, you're allowed to just give hints."

Thinking about it, Sam figured that it was the most Dean would concede; so he nodded.

"What happened to the bunker?" Dean posed the first question.

"It's still there." Sam grinned; happy he'd been able to come up with an easy answer without revealing much.

"Hey, that's not an answer. You're going to answer right or I won't settle for just three questions."

"You're the one with a broken leg and a sleeping 5 year old on your chest. I can leave any moment." Sam pointed out.

"Sam." Dean warned.

"Fine." Sam sighed. "We still have the bunker. As we're living in Concordia now, we're not far from it, so we can go there and check it every now and then. Everything hunting-related is still there. We were both against bringing them to our houses."

"Well, why don't we live there? It's safer." Dean thought it was the logical thing to do.

"And it's a _bunker_." Sam reasoned. "You didn't want to make a woman and a little girl live underground. Neither did I."

"Hmm, good point. How did our last hunts go? That... That year-"

"That's a big one, Dean." Sam shook his head.

"Hints?" Dean asked hopefully.

Sam had to think about it and decided to put his brother's mind at ease. "We did it."

"And you forgave me?" Dean asked quietly.

Sam winced inwardly. "We forgave _each other_." he said just as quietly, emphasizing on _'each other'_.

He wasn't fond of those days or the things he'd said to his brother. They had gone through so much together and it wasn't right to treat each other so cruelly. They'd learned it the hard way, but eventually they'd grown closer to each other. Now, they trusted one another unconditionally and Sam hoped that now that Dean's mind was back to those days, his trust hadn't shattered again. If those days were the last thing Dean was remembering, then Sam's words and cold behavior would also be the last images his brother had of him. "We're close, Dean." he decided to clarify. "Closer than ever. With the things we saw and went through-" he sighed. He'd wished he'd never remember those days again.

After a few seconds of silence, Dean noted, "The mark is gone." he was looking down at his right arm.

"Yeah."

"You're not gonna elaborate on that, are you?" Dean tilted his head.

"Not a chance." Sam shook his head again. "Too big. But if you're a good patient, I might give you some hints later." With that Sam started to get up.

"Hey, one more question."

"You've already asked more than your three questions."

"Are you seeing anyone?" Dean asked his question anyway.

Sam's eyebrows shot up and he grinned. "Why does it matter?"

"I wanna know if you're happy." Dean said, sotto voce.

The concern in his eyes shook Sam and he felt his heart warmed. "Yeah." he smiled. "Yeah. I do. And we're pretty serious. Her name is Riley and she's a librarian."

At that, Dean snorted. "I've always known you didn't go the library just because you were a geek."

"Shut up." Sam hit him on the arm as a grin crinkled the corner of his mouth. "I didn't _meet_ her in the library."

"So, where's she?"

"Well, _I_ hope she's at her place. Sleeping; or I don't know watching some movies. Alone." he smirked and then went serious. "The only reason she hasn't come to see you yet is that I told her you couldn't remember things and we decided not to bombard you with information all at once."

Dean smiled; he'd noticed the shine of love and happiness in his little brother's eyes as he spoke about that girl and it made him happy to see Sam wasn't holding back at all.

"Girlfriend or fiancée?"

"Girlfriend soon to be fiancée. Hopefully." Sam grinned.

Dean laughed. "Nice. Congrats."

"Thanks." Sam laughed along.

"Do I live alone with Lily?"

"Normally, yes. But since this accident happened, I've been here and you're not going to throw me out. No matter what you say, you can't do everything with that leg."

"Speaking of, how long before I got rid of this?"

"Another 5 weeks and then you need PT." Sam sounded sympathetic.

Dean growled. "So, what happened?"

"Hey, how many questions?"

"Come on, this one is only natural to ask!" Dean almost whined.

"You saved my life, you jackass." Sam growled.

"Hey, watch your mouth." Dean warned and glanced down at the girl on his chest to make sure she hadn't heard the word.

Sam smiled wildly as he saw his brother had once again acted like his old-self around Lily. Well, his new old-self! Ah, you know what, forget it!

"I usually do that." Dean finally took his eyes away from the little angel on his chest. "How did I do it this time?"

"It was a skinwalker." Sam sighed. "We'd both lost our guns. You caught his attention so I could jump out of his way. By the time I reached my weapon, you were thrown several feet away. Your leg was broken in two places and you didn't regain consciousness until we reached the hospital. _That_ was nine days ago." Sam recounted everything. "First, you were taken to a hospital in Omaha. But after two days you were fine enough to travel the short way to home, so we came back. You were alright for almost one week, Dean." Sam's voice shook and Dean realized that despite what he was remembering of his brother, Sam had been really worried about him.

"Thanks." Dean said sincerely.

"What?" Sam frowned. "I just told you that you got hurt saving my life and you thank _me_?"

"For staying here. For... For forgiving me back then. For-" His voice was getting quieter and Sam knew that Dean's head was back to the old days when he was depressed and so broken on the inside.

"Dean-" he swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "We both made mistakes and we forgave each other and moved on. So if _you_ wanna thank me, then I guess I owe you so many thank yous, too. For so many reasons that I can't even list them all. But well, thanks for saving my life and for forgiving me and for letting me in and... And thanks for not giving up-" he suddenly clamped his mouth shut as if he'd _just_ remembered he'd shared too much with someone with memory loss.

"Not giving up?" Dean had heard it, though. "I was-"

"You were-" Sam didn't know how to say it, but Dean didn't need him to go there. He might not remember how things had ended, but he could remember how down he'd been feeling and how much he didn't care about anything anymore. So if that hadn't been the end, things must've been really bad at the end.

"Yeah." he sighed.

"OK. Get some rest." Sam finally got up from the bed.

"Does Riley know about your past?"

Rolling his eyes at Dean not giving up on asking questions, Sam smiled. "Yes, she does and I'm not gonna say another word tonight."

"Hey, Sam."

"Not another word." his brother repeated.

"Lily?" Dean just mentioned the little girl's name, knowing Sam would come back.

And he did. Sam turned around and walked to the bed, gently picking her up, he walked out. "Seriously, get some rest. Tomorrow this little thing won't let you sleep."

Dean chuckled and pushed himself down under the blanket. He had so many things on his mind that he didn't think he could sleep. So many questions; so many concerns... But, in the back of his mind, he was just wishing for _one_ thing;

For this not to be a dream.

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**... TBC ...**

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_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	4. Chapter 4

_Sam turned around and walked to the bed, gently picking her up, he walked out. "Seriously, get some rest. Tomorrow this little thing won't let you sleep."_

_Dean chuckled and pushed himself down under the blanket. He had so many things on his mind that he didn't think he could sleep. So many questions; so many concerns... But, in the back of his mind, he was just wishing for one thing;_

_For this not to be a dream._

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It started rather sweetly.

He was lying in a bed, in a room that looked a lot like a hospital room; but he felt fine; he couldn't feel anything wrong, expect a dull pain in his chest and an absolute hollowness inside.

Then a nurse came in, closed the door and sat beside him on the bed.

She started talking quietly and even though he didn't feel like it, he found himself engrossed in her voice, her words and her relaxingly calm manner. She was stroking his arm, up and down and then their eyes locked together.

Then the dream changed.

They were in another room, both lying on a bed, and surprisingly, they weren't doing the things that Dean usually wanted to do with beautiful nurses.

No, they were simply talking and again, the words that were being said were unclear. But this time, Dean was the one doing the stroking; he was kindly stroking her belly and she was looking him in the eyes and there was so much love and affection in those eyes that Dean almost shed a tear.

Then the dream changed again; they were back in the hospital with the woman lying in the bed and Dean holding her so firmly like his life depended on it. Tears were running down his face like a river and even though she looked totally pale and sick, she was still the most beautiful thing Dean had seen in his life and the sad thing was that it seemed like she was already gone.

Gasping loudly, Dean jolted awake. His eyes were wet and remembering those moments with his fiancee had been like living them again.

Apparently Sam had heard his gasp, because less than a minute later, he was there with a glass of water and Dean's pills.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked when he found his brother sitting upright on the bed and leaning his head against his hands; he was afraid one of his terrible headache had returned.

"Why?" Dean asked brokenly, not looking up when he heard Sam's voice. "Why every woman in my life should be taken away?"

Sam's heart broke. He knew for a fact that if it hadn't been for Lily, Dean wouldn't have lasted long after Claire. His brother truly loved her and it was too damn painful to watch him go through losing her once. Now Dean had to go through that again, like once hadn't been bad enough and just like the last time, Sam didn't know what to do or how to help.

"We wanted to get married; we've planed everything. But she insisted that we should wait till she was cured." Dean started talking like he was remembering so many things at once and couldn't keep them inside. "Dammit, Sam. We shouldn't have waited. Two years. She was fighting cancer for two fucking years. And-" And he'd accepted her request; even though it was hard to watch her suffer, he'd realized that by planning their marriage for a later time while she was going through therapy was a way to push her forward; he kept encouraging her and was there for her every single step of the way; hoping against hope that one day they'd get married and forget about those hard days. But at the end, they hadn't got married, because she'd succumbed to the ominous disease, leaving Dean with their two year old baby girl.

Dean had almost given up on life after her, but the moment Sam had put his baby girl in his arms he knew that he couldn't leave her all alone in this cruel world.

"We didn't get married." another tear rolled down his pain-stricken face. "I loved her."

"And she loved _you_. Dean, don't do this to yourself." Sam pleaded; he couldn't lose his brother and if Dean didn't stop torturing himself, something would happen for sure. He was in no condition to go through that pain again. "Think about Lily."

"Lily." Dean whispered. "She looks just like her mother." he said somberly.

"She has your eyes." Sam noted, trying to bring Dean's mind back from his painful thoughts. "And your nose." he added after a couple of minutes of silence.

Dean was quiet at first, but finally said, "I don't have button nose." the pill he'd taken for his headache was taking effect.

Sam smiled and allowed himself to relax a little. "You had when you were a kid."

"Where were you when I was a kid?" he growled and lay back.

"I've seen your pics."

"Evey kid has button nose." Dean closed his eyes.

"You dreamed of her?" Sam asked when he saw the lines of sadness around his brother's eyes again.

Nodding his head, Dean opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling. "I can't believe I forgot her." his sounded hoarse. "She practically brought me back from the edge; saved my life in many ways and I... I just forgot her." he said with a tint of self-hatred in his voice.

"Hey, she was also the first thing you remembered." Sam squeezed his shoulder. "You know, Adam was telling me that maybe you haven't grieved properly... Maybe-"

"Sam." Dean stopped him. "I still don't remember much, but I kinda remember how I was feeling back when we were finally done with everything and I remember I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go on like that and if it wasn't for her... I... You helped me, I know you did, but her words, her touch-"

"I know." Sam said quietly. "She helped me a lot, too."

"And there was nothing I could do to save her."

Sam didn't know what to say to that. He knew Dean well enough to know his words wouldn't help at all when his brother was beating himself over something that he had no control over. Dean had always been like that. He blamed himself for _everything_ that went wrong in the world.

Standing up, he left Dean and went to the other room; moments later, he came back with the still sleeping Lily in his arms and put her down next to Dean. "She was a great help last time."

And Dean knew what Sam meant, so he just pulled the little girl closer to himself and let her steady breathing calm his wild heartbeat.

"Dean..." Sam started when he thought Dean was calm enough to talk about the next issue. "You... You remember about your heart?"

Dean looked up with confusion.

"Guess not." Sam sighed.

"_What_ about my heart?"

"After... When... When everything was over, your heart suddenly-"he swallowed hard.

"Sam?" Dean frowned and tried to remember; clearly that memory was bothering Sam too much and if he couldn't do anything about it, he was willing to help his brother out.

But Sam finally decided to continue, his eyes glazed over. "Your heart stopped, Dean." his voice was suddenly cold. "You just dropped to the floor and that was it. At first, I thought you'd just passed out because of the exhaustion. You haven't had a proper sleep for weeks, months even and I thought-" he shut his eyes, like he wanted to block the vivid images that came with that particular memory. "I tried to wake you up, to pull you to a couch or a bed and that was then that I noticed you were way too still. No breathing, and when I checked... No heartbeat." he bit his lower lip. "I- I did CPR, but it wouldn't work... I called the ambulance; they took you to the hospital and... And they almost called it." he went quiet and Dean was so shocked that he couldn't say anything. "When they finally brought you back, you went into a coma for two weeks. Two fucking weeks, Dean and I couldn't help but believe it was my fault."

"Sam-" Dean called quietly.

"No, Dean. It _was_ my fault. In so many ways." Sam didn't let him talk. "I didn't pay enough attention to your condition during those months. I didn't care that you were fading away in front of my eyes. All I could think about was getting Abaddon and Gadreel and I know you wouldn't have gone down that path if I hadn't been so hurtful. The mark on your arm wasn't the only thing blocking your emotions; you were too hard on yourself because of the things I've said and the way I've treated you and I failed to notice it. Heck, I said I wouldn't have done the same for you; how were you supposed to know I was there for you?

When I started to realize you were harsher when it came to hunts, it was too late and even then I didn't put too much thought into it and... And ignored every sign. Even then I was blaming _you_... I don't think I could ever forgive myself for those things." he looked away and swallowed. It'd been a long time since he'd thought about those days; the guilt had almost brought him to his knees once and he'd somehow pulled through, but now that Dean was remembering everything like they were happening all over again, it was impossible for Sam not to dwell on those feelings again.

"Sam." Dean called his name quietly. "I might not recall everything, but I know we both were in a bad place." he didn't want his brother to blame himself, but the truth was that he'd been extra hard on himself because he thought he'd nothing to lose, because he felt he'd already lost Sam; so what if he killed every damn monster in cold blood and ran himself into the ground in the process?

"That's not an excuse." Sam gritted out. "You've always been there for me, even if it was in a way that I didn't approve, but I failed to do the same. I know we've dealt with these things and that we've forgiven each other and moved on, but... It's hard to remember those days and not blame myself. It _was_ my fault and when your heart stopped I... I didn't react fast enough when your heart stopped." he blinked rapidly in order to keep the tears at bay.

"You couldn't have known about it." Dean said.

"No. But I could've realized how physically weak you've gotten; how the whole thing was taking its toll on you. But I didn't notice. And I started CPR too late and you slipped into a stupid fucking Coma."

"Hey. Language." Dean warned with a mock glare, more to lighten the atmosphere.

Sam chuckled absently. "Yeah. And you know what happened when you finally woke up from your coma?" he continued without missing a beat. "You were catatonic. Dean, those days were the scariest days of my whole life. They were." he rubbed his face and bent forward, putting his elbows on his thighs. "The doctors told me that you've given up, that you weren't fighting; that it seemed like you didn't have anything to live for; to fight for. And why would you think that if I it wasn't for me acting like a total jerk?"

"Sam." Dean warned again but once again Sam ignored him.

"They said that... That your... Your heart was damaged Dean."

"Oh." this time Dean was speechless. He hadn't known that, but it explained the wild heartbeat and the dull pain in his chest.

"Oh?" Sam looked at his brother incredulously. "Yeah, figured you'd say that." he shook his head. "They couldn't do anything about it. That's why we don't hunt anymore. Well, not regularly at least. Your heart can't take it."

"So? How bad is it?"

"Bad." Sam stated. "You don't need a transplant just yet, but you can't put too much stress on it on a daily basis. We... We actually gave hunting up altogether for a while, but after Claire-"

"I needed to deal with her loss my own way." Dean concluded.

Sam nodded his head. "Yeah, and we made a deal. Now, we only take care of the jobs that are close to home and you take it easy and you take your meds and well, I go with you. And you were supposed not to be a hero again and put yourself between me and the danger." the last part was said with anger.

"That thing was going to bite you, Sam. It would've turned you." Dean said solemnly.

Sam's head snapped towards his brother sharply. "You remember that?" all traces of anger were gone from his voice.

"Umm..." Dean frowned and then smiled. "Yeah." he sounded pleased. "Wait, what happens to Lily when we're away? Who stays with her?"

"Riley takes care of her. They're actually really close."

"Hmm. So? How did Adam and... Claire," he almost cringed at using her name, "How did they find out about our job?"

"How did you know Adam knows?"

"It wasn't hard to guess and I could actually hear you two talking outside my room today... Or yesterday, I guess."

"Of course, you did." Sam rolled his eyes. "Well, Adam kinda knew a few things about the supernatural world himself. He'd seen a ghost a few years back and a fellow hunter had talked to him. Claire was another matter, though. I didn't tell her at first, but she was pretty persistent when she wanted something and she wanted to know what had caused your situation and I... Well, let's just say I wasn't doing much better, myself. So I broke down and told her everything. Of course she didn't believe me right away, but later Adam talked to her and she was already interested in you, so she'd figured that it was no harm in just believing our story." he shrugged. "How you've managed to charm her in that state is still beyond me, though." Sam said, knowing it'd lighten up his brother's mood.

And Dean did grin at that. "I can't help it if I'm the cute one."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that."

"How did I snap out of it?" Dean asked, referring to the catatonia.

"Claire helped you, of course." Sam frowned. "I thought you said you could remember that part."

Dean shook his head. "I just remember lying there, not wanting to do anything and Claire was always there for me." he said sadly.

"Yeah, once you finally snapped out of that catatonic state, after_ two months_," he added a bit bitterly, "You were still depressed and withdrawn. I was afraid you'd go back to that phase any minute and the doctors were talking about moving you to the Psych. ward. They were worried you'd harm yourself."

"I'd never do that." Dean said heatedly.

"Yeah, _I_ knew that and I stopped them and Claire helped you with every step. It took us ages to have you smile again and longer to hear your laughter." Sam finished his story, his voice was quiet and tired and it was uncharacteristic of him to openly show that much concern for his brother, or to say stuff like that, but things had clearly changed. "Anyway, now your heart is weak; after... When she passed away, we were worried you'd join her, too."

"But then you put Lily in my arms."

Sam smiled. "She really is an angel."

"Angel." Dean tried that word slowly. "What happened to the angels? To heaven? Oh." his eyes widened. "Where's Cass?"

Sam's eyes widened at how Dean's mind was working. Standing up abruptly, he shook his head. "Not now, Dean. It's almost four in the morning and you need rest. And _please_, don't dream anymore tonight."

Rolling his eyes, Dean knew he couldn't make his brother talk anymore. So he turned a bit towards his daughter and chuckled. "I'll try."

**.**

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**... TBC ...**

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**_It was kinda a long chapter! Hope you at least share your thoughts with me._**

**_._**

_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	5. Chapter 5

Having Lily around had once again helped Dean and he'd been able to sleep peacefully for the rest of the night. He'd dreamed, of course, but they were mostly happy dreams with both Claire and Lily there. Claire might've been sick for a long time, but it hadn't always been as bad as it was at the end and they were once a happy family.

When Dean finally opened his eyes in the morning, the first thing he saw was a pair of deep green eyes staring down at him.

"Hi." the girl said tentatively, like she wasn't sure her father was actually there with her.

"Morning." Dean smiled. "Everything alright?" he blinked and then rubbed his tired eyes.

The girl shrugged. "It's your third time waking up today, but you didn't say anything the other times. You just kissed me and went back to sleep. You..." her lower lip quivered. "You were crying. I didn't know what to do and Uncle Sam was sleeping and he looked really tired and I didn't know what to do." she repeated herself; Dean smiled sadly and pulled her to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"It's alright, baby." he whispered. "You did well and thanks for staying with me. That's exactly what I needed."

"Yeah?" she asked doubtfully, her voice muffled by the fabric of Dean's shirt.

"Absolutely."

"Were you dreaming about Mommy?"'

Dean's breath hitched. "Yeah... Yeah. Did I call her name out loud?"

He felt the girl nod on his chest.

"Umm, OK... What..." he decided not to upset his baby girl any further. "What about breakfast? I bet you're hungry."

The girl looked up. "But you're not supposed to move around."

"How old are you again?" Dean frowned. The girl was too wise for her own good and well, maybe a bit stubborn.

As though she'd heard those words before, she just chuckled. "I'm _your_ baby girl. Everybody says so."

Dean laughed out loud. "I guess so. Come on, help me up and I'll be fine. We can make something simple so Uncle Sammy can sleep a while longer, huh?"

"OK, Daddy." she said simply and jumped off the bed to go get Dean's crutches, unaware of how warm Dean felt inside every time she called him _Daddy_.

They were setting the table when Sam woke up and staggered into the living room; his eyes were still close and he was trying to find his way to the bathroom with his hands.

Lily giggled when she saw her uncle fumbling with the bathroom door. "He isn't awake, is he?"

Dean chuckled at his daughter's amusement and reached out to grab his phone that was ringing on the counter. Without looking at the screen, he answered it. "Hello?"

"Dean?" It was a woman on the other side and Dean had to frown at that voice. He couldn't remember it.

"Dean, O my God. It's so good to hear your voice. I was so worried. I tried Sam's number but he's not answering his phone and I was afraid something has happened to you again."

"Umm, who's this?" he interrupted her.

The woman went silent and Lily grabbed the phone from his hand. "Hello?... Oh, hi Riley." she smiled. "Yeah." she answered and then studied her father. "I... I think he still doesn't remember you." she said quietly like if she whispered, Dean wouldn't hear her.

"Lil, give me the phone." said Dean.

The little girl did that obediently.

"Umm, sorry I didn't recognize you." he said awkwardly into the phone.

"Oh, no. No. It's alright. It's just so good to hear your voice." said Riley and it sounded like she was sniffling. "Can I... Umm... Do you mind if I drop by, later today?"

"Oh, sure. Sam has actually told me about you." replied Dean. "I'd love to meet you. Umm, _again_, I think." he added dejectedly.

"You're gonna be alright, Dean." she reassured kindly and Dean smiled. "I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah, sure. Bye."

"Who's that?" Sam asked the moment he emerged out of the bathroom.

"Good morning to you, too." Dean smirked. "And that was your future wife."

"Wife?" Lily squeaked.

"Hey. That was a secret." Sam protested.

"Lily's good at keeping secrets; aren't you, Lil?" Dean grinned.

"The best." the girl blinked innocently. "I won't talk at all when she gets here. I promise."

Sam growled. "What about you just don't mention anything about marriage, brides, weddings and... Well, yeah, don't talk. Go play in your room when she gets here." he sat down, "Hmm, something smells good."

"We made breakfast." Lily announced proudly.

Sam was though half of his dish when his mind finally registered Dean's earlier words. "Wait." he looked up. "It was Riley? And she's coming over?"

"About time you caught up. Yeah, tonight." Dean grinned and pushed himself up from his chair. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Hey, not with that-"

"Sam." Dean cut him off, "This is not my first broken leg. Relax. I know how to shower around it."

Sam sat down reluctantly. "Howler if you need anything."

They watched as Dean maneuvered his way around the table and hobbled towards the bathroom.

"I'll get your clothes." Lily called after him.

.

When Dean still didn't come out of the bathroom one hour later, Sam knocked at the door. In his mind, he'd given his brother enough time. "Hey, Dean? You OK in there?" the water was still running, but he hadn't heard any sound that would indicate Dean had lost his balance.

Slowly, he opened the door and looked inside, only to find Dean still in his trousers, with only his shirt gone. He was sitting on the edge of the tub and his mind was clearly somewhere else.

"Dean?" Sam asked worriedly and walked inside; he turned the faucet off and sat beside his brother. "You with me?" he asked quietly.

"I remember what happened." Dean answered, but it was like he wasn't there at all.

"Everything?" Sam's eyes widened.

"Abaddon and Gadreel."

Sam felt a shiver running down his spine. Those weren't beautiful memories.

"But I can't remember what happened to Cas. Or to Cain. Or to that mark on my arm." Dean looked down at his right arm. "It was bad; I remember how it was taking my control away." he shivered involuntarily.

Sam got up and grabbed a shirt and put it around Dean's shoulder.

"What happened next, Sam?" the older brother was still looking down.

"What do you remember?"

"I remember we trapped Gadreel and found out about Metatron's plans. I remember that you killed him."

Sam nodded. "What else?"

"Abaddon... She almost got us and I remember that bastard Crowley there." Dean winced. "He was playing for both sides. Typical." he added sarcastically.

"Hey, hey you got them both." Sam tried to sooth.

"But I almost didn't. And that bitch almost torched a whole city." Dean's breathing was getting quicker and if it continued that way, it could cause problems for his already damaged heart.

"Hey. Hey." Sam grabbed his shoulder and gently shook him. "Look at me, Dean. It's over. You hear me? It's over."

Dean didn't seem to hear him. "Huh, she almost cut off my whole arm." he chuckled bitterly and traced the long scar on his arm with his left hand's fingers.

Nobody had warned Sam that remembering things would get like that. He had to admit, watching Dean regaining his memory was no fun at all. He really felt desperate. "It's over, Dean. You got her and we got you to the hospital in time."

"What happened to that mark?"

"Cain showed up later to take it back."

That finally caught Dean's attention and he looked Sam in the eyes. "He did?"

His brother nodded. "Apparently you've made a promise to him." Sam hinted.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, he wanted me to kill him when it was all over... Did-" his eyes were haunted. "Did I?"

"No. He released you from it. You've made quite an impression on him." Sam gave him a faded smile. "He'd brought Crowley with him. You remember?"

Dean shook his head; all he could remember was that Crowley had disappeared once Dean was done with Abaddon.

"I don't know what he told you, but Cain whispered something in your ear and the next thing I knew, he had Crowley restrained and then you dug the first blade into his chest."

Dean's eyes were wide. "In the hospital?"

"What? No. It was after that. You had your arm set and we were back to the bunker. Cain met us some time later and he couldn't come down, so he met us at the entrance."

"And?"

"And he just nodded at you, like he was grateful. Then he just grabbed your hand and took the mark from you and right after that both Cain and Crowley's body were gone, too." Sam explained, trying to block the memories of the things that had happened in the following hours of that short visit from Cain. Dean clearly couldn't remember what had happened when the mark was gone and Sam didn't think he could talk about it again at that moment.

Dean was mystified. "He... He just-"

"To this day, I'm still shocked about it."

"Sam." Dean growled. "That means I still owe him something."

"What?" Sam frowned and narrowed his eyes.

"He'd asked me to kill him in return for what he'd given me. If I haven't done that, then it means I still owe him one and he might show up any day to collect."

OK, that was admittedly a scary thought. But Dean was in no shape to think about that, now. Sam shook his head. "It's been seven years, Dean. Let's not think about it, now. Alright? We'll think about it when the time comes."

Dean's shoulder slumped even further; it wasn't like he had a choice. "Did he take the blade, too?" he asked quietly; Cain _with_ his blade would probably be a disaster waiting to happen.

Sam heaved a sigh of relief. "No. It's in the bunker and I promise you, it's safe. No one can get it."

Dean nodded. "Help me up. I don't think I wanna shower right now."

"Yeah, I don't think that's wise." Sam frowned at how clammy Dean's skin was and how much Dean was leaning on him; those things only happened when his heart was bothering him and from the lines of pain around Dean's eyes, Sam knew it was once again the case.

"I still don't remember many things." Dean said and his voice was laced with pain.

"You will, in due time. And I'm here if you have any questions. You just gotta rest for a while."

Dean wanted to thank Sam but they were already in his room and Sam was helping him down to the bed and before his head touched the pillow, he was out.

**.**

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**... TBC ...**

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_**Hope you share your thoughts with me. :)**_

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_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	6. Chapter 6

_"I still don't remember many things." Dean said and his voice was laced with pain._

_"You will, in due time. And I'm here if you have any questions. You just gotta rest for a while."_

_Dean wanted to thank Sam but they were already in his room and Sam was helping him down to the bed and before his head touched the pillow, he was out._

* * *

The next time Dean came around, it was to some murmuring in the room, but he was still too drained to open his eyes and catch what was going on.

He could just hear voices.

Sam was there, but he wasn't alone, because he was talking to _someone_, telling them things about him, or Dean assumed they were talking about him,_ which was rude because he couldn't take part in their conversation;_ anyway, Sam was saying that he'd had a rough day and that he'd been asleep for almost nine hours.

Then someone sat beside him on the bed and started to gently stroke his hair with a finger. '_That better not be Sam.' _Dean thought absently. Although, it couldn't be; the hand on his head was way too tiny to be his brother's.

Then a female voice asked why Sam hadn't woken him up to get him eat something and take his meds and she sounded _a lot_ like Claire; with that thought Dean's heartbeat raised and he tried his hardest to open his eyes. But no matter what he did, his eyes were glued shut; so, instead, he opened his mouth and called his fiancée's name. "Claire?"

Sam and Riely froze in their places and Riley immediately took her hand away from Dean's forehead. Her eyes filled with tears. "O God. He has to deal with it all over again. That's not fair." she whispered desperately, like she'd just realized it. "It's bad, isn't it?" she looked up at her boyfriend.

Sam nodded and looked away. That single word that had come out of Dean's mouth had broken his heart and he absently wondered how many times he'd felt that tightness in his chest since three days ago.

Riley, silently, resumed her act of stroking Dean's brow until Dean's posture relaxed and he fell back into a deep sleep.

"You see why I couldn't wake him up?" Sam said as they walked out of the room to make sure their talk wouldn't disturb Dean again. "He's remembering things, both when he's dreaming and awake. I have to let him get as much sleep as he can."

Riley nodded. "What about you? How are _you_ holding up?"

"It's... It's hard." Sam confessed. "But I can't help thinking that if _I_ feel this way, then Dean must be doing much worse."

Riley snuggled closer to Sam on the couch and kissed his cheek.

"And then there's Lily." Sam continued and they both looked at the little girl sleeping on the armchair in front of the TV. She'd fallen asleep a few minutes before Riley had shown up and they didn't have the heart to wake her up. "She's almost as bad as her father." Sam smiled bitterly. "She has this air of bravado; trying to hide how worried she is that Dean would leave her just like Claire has and she tries to be strong and all smiles. But I can see she's hurting and Riley, I really don't think I can take it much longer." he leaned into her arm and buried his head in her neck.

The woman was softly rubbing her friend's back and had tears in her eyes. "You're strong, Sam. If I've figured out just one thing about you and your family, it's that you're all damn stubborn and strong. And I'm here for you."

"You said a bad word." the sleepy voice from the armchair brought them out of their private moment. They looked towards her, only to find the little girl fast asleep again.

The chuckle that left their mouths was much needed.

"I swear; kids have radar for curses." she said through laughter.

Sam shook his head and leaned back. "Thanks, Ry. For everything."

"Hey, I love that man in the other room and his little girl. They're as much my family now as they're yours."

"Yeah, thanks for that, too." Sam sighed.

"Dean's gonna be alright." She reassured her lover before moving away slightly. "I'd stay, but-"

Sam nodded his head, knowing that she was reluctant to stay for Dean's sake. Sam had vaguely explained to her that Dean was having a hard time dealing with everything and she didn't want to be the strange face that Dean didn't know. They both knew Dean would try to hide behind his masks if he didn't feel comfortable and right now the last thing he needed was to hide behind his many masks.

They were sure Dean, in no time, would remember how close he was to Riley.

"I know." Sam squeezed her petite frame to his chest. "And I'm sorry I haven't been around lately."

"If it wasn't for Dean, I would've lost you for good. I'm OK with having you just like this for as long as it takes." she kissed him and pushed herself up. "I better go before it gets too late. And I think you should wake them up and have them eat something before going back to bed. And you better eat something, as well. We don't want you sick, too. This little girl can take only so much." she gently touched Lily's hair.

"And don't worry too much, Sammy." she grinned, knowing that Sam still didn't like being called that. It was kinda reserved for Dean, but every time she wanted to tease him, she'd use it. "They're both strong. That's not just an air of bravado that Lily has, she actually _is_ brave. She's had Dean as her father, Claire as her mother and you as her uncle. What else can a little girl want? She's probably made of steel."

Sam chuckled as he walked with his girlfriend to her car. "Yeah. She must be."

"Oh." Riley stopped before sitting in the car. "On my way here, I stopped by Dean's repair shop to retrieve his laptop. There's a _sweet_ classic waiting for him. Josh told me that her owner wouldn't let anyone touch her but Dean and had said that he was in no hurry as long as Dean is the one taking care of her."

Sam laughed. "You and Dean are too much alike when it comes to cars. I bet you drooled over it."

"Just for ten minutes." she laughed and sat down in the car. "The boys at the shop wished their boss good health and quick recovery, by the way. I told them that they should give him some time and space, so they wouldn't show up here."

"I would be so lost without you, wouldn't I?" Sam bent down and kissed her on the lips.

"I'd love to say yes. But I can't take the credit for that. You guys have each other." she smiled affectionately. "I love you."

"You too." Sam smiled.

"See you later and tell Dean I love him, too."

"I'll think about it." Sam teased.

"You just can't see him being _my_ brother, too. You gotta learn to share, Sammy. You better tell him what I said, or else." She teased back playfully and closed the door. "Later."

"Bye." Sam said and stepped aside and watched her car speeding away.

...

The next morning everything seemed much better. Through the night Dean hadn't woken up at all and despite Riley's advices, Sam had decided to let his brother sleep, figuring that he needed his rest more than those chemical meds.

He'd woken Lily up, of course and had sent her to bed after dinner, hoping that Dean wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night now that Lily wasn't by his side. And clearly the older man had been too spent to even dream, because he'd slept like a log.

"Hey, wakey wakey!" Sam called when he entered his brother's room. "You've slept like... 20 hours. I'd say that's enough."

Dean's eyes fluttered for a few moments, but then he went back to sleep.

"Come on. I'm bored." Sam sat down and held the coffee cup under his brother's nose. Just as he'd anticipated, Dean's eyes immediately flew open and he reached for the coffee.

"No so fast." Sam moved the cup out of his reach.

"Sam." Dean growled. "How many times do I have to tell you not to come between me and my morning coffee?"

Relieved that his brother was mostly there, he handed him the cup.

One sip and Dean almost spat it all over himself and his sheets. "What the hell is this?" he looked at Sam sharply.

Sam frowned before he realized that Dean probably couldn't remember about his new coffee habits either. "That's the only coffee you can get with a damaged heart. Nothing too strong. I can always take it away, if you hate it so much."

Dean's angry growl showed his dissatisfaction but he kept the cup away from Sam. "This sucks."

"Yeah." Sam sighed. "Hey, guess what?" he suddenly grinned as he remembered his last night's talk with Riley and realized that he could actually lighten up the mood.

"You proposed to her?" Dean took another sip from his coffee and made a face.

Rolling his eyes, Sam said, "Leave it alone. No. There's a classic car waiting for you in your shop."

"In my what?" Dean didn't pay much attention to what Sam had said as he was thinking about ways of getting a real cup of coffee. Without milk, strong and _extra_-large.

"Your..." Sam paused. "Well, you own an Auto Repair Shop." he explained. That was enough to make Dean forget his coffee for the moment.

"I do?" he sounded intrigued.

Sam smiled. "Yes. And you have 5 guys working for you there. But when it comes to classic cars, you're the only one who touches them."

Dean's smile was genuine and wide. "O boy, I miss my baby."

"No, you don't." Sam said matter of factly. "It's parked outside."

"I still miss her." Dean pouted which made Sam laugh.

"Anyway, like I was saying; there's apparently another classic car waiting for you and its owner has banned anyone but you from touching her."

"Nice." Dean sounded pleased. "What's it?"

Sam's face fell. "Umm, I don't know. I didn't ask."

Dean wrinkled his nose. "You still have no appreciation for good stuff."

"Well, my soon to be fiancée has enough of that for the both of us."

"Really?" Dean grinned again.

"Yup. She said she drooled over it for ten _minutes_."

"Hmm. I think I like her."

Sam snorted. "Yeah? Well, she also said she loves you and sorta threatened to kill me if I didn't deliver her message."

"I'm a lovable guy." Dean smiled innocently. "Did she come last night? I'm sorry I missed her."

"It's alright. She'll probably stop by tonight again or tomorrow. She really misses you."

"We close?" Dean inquired, sounding genuinely interested.

"Close? I'm pretty sure you two share secrets that even _I _am not aware of."

"Oh. Sounds good, already." Dean laughed and looked around. "Where's Lily?"

"It's 7.30. She's sleeping." Sam said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Good. That's good." Dean put his empty cup of coffee aside and pushed himself towards the edge of the bed. "Help me up. I really need to take a shower."

All of a sudden, Sam's eyes were filled with concern. "You sure?" he couldn't forget last day's events that easily.

"I'm good, Sam." Dean reassured. "But none of us will be if I don't take a shower now."

Sam had to smile at that. That morning, Dean was sounding more like himself and although there was a chance that Dean was once again hiding his true feelings, Sam kinda felt that it wasn't the case. Somehow Dean looked stronger this time which was truly refreshing. "Yeah, we don't want you to be a bad example for Lily."

"She doesn't like taking a bath?" Dean's brow went up.

"She does now. But she might think it's OK not to clean herself if she sees you like this for another day."

"Hmm." Dean leaned his crutches against the wall as he hobbled inside the bathroom. "Oh, by the way, if I own a repair shop, what do _you_ do for a living?"

"I teach; in the high school nearby."

"Hmm, sounds just like you." Dean smiled as he tested putting his weight on his broken leg and winced when the leg protested.

"Hang on; you better take your pills before your shower."

"You wanna haul my..." he was about to say _'my ass'_ when he remembered his daughter could hear him, "My butt," he said instead awkwardly. "Out of the bathtub after I fall asleep in there?"

Sam laughed at his brother's misery over swear words. "No. they won't knock you out. Unless you _decide_ to take a nap in there, you should be fine."

"I'd better." he closed the door. "Oh, and when I'm done in here, I expect you to fill me in on whatever happened to Cass and Heaven." he said behind the closed door, not seeing the look of despair that passed Sam's face.

The younger brother wasn't sure how Dean would react to the news about the fallen angel; after so many years, it really didn't seem like a big deal but he could never tell with Dean. After all, Dean had always been closer to Cass that Sam could be.

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**... TBC ...**

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_**Hope you share your thoughts with me. :)**_

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_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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	7. Chapter 7

_"Oh, and when I come out, I expect you to fill me in on whatever happened to Cass and Heaven." he said behind the closed door, so he didn't see the look of despair that crossed Sam's face._

_The younger brother wasn't sure how Dean would react to the news about the fallen angel; after so many years, it really didn't seem like a big deal but he could never tell with Dean. After all, Dean was closer to Cass that Sam had ever been._

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To make sure that Dean wouldn't find the time to _interrogate_ him about Cass and Heaven, Sam decided to get out of the house for the day; so he woke Lily up, prepared her breakfast and gave her instructions for the day; all while Dean was still in the bathroom. And then he waited for Dean to finish his bath; his brother looked much better with his stubble shaved; _darn it, he still looked like he was in his early thirties when he was clean shaven._

"Hey, I gotta run some errands today and then I should go shopping. You think you two will be alright for a few hours?"

Dean knew his brother too well not to realize that he was evading his earlier question, but one look at Lily's hopeful and expectant eyes made him rethink what he was going to say next. "Sure. We two have a lot to talk about." he winked at his daughter whose eyes instantly lost the worried look and brightened up.

The wide smile on her face was enough to reassure him that he'd made the right decision. As much as he wanted to know about his past, he needed to live in the present and be there for his little girl who obviously had seen more than other children her age. He could see how much she was trying to be there for him and yet trying not to disturb him, but she was just five and although there were so many holes in Dean's memory, he knew he wouldn't want his baby girl to live the life he himself had lived. He knew he'd vowed to keep her carefree as long as possible. He sure could wait another day to find out about his old friend. Whatever had happened, it wasn't like Dean could change it if he remembered.

But he sure could change the life of his daughter.

Sam looked relieved and happy with Dean's decision when he left.

"I think your Uncle Sammy couldn't get away from us fast enough." Dean growled humorously as he lowered himself to the couch.

The girl giggled. "I think he misses Riley." she said wisely.

"Oh," Dean grinned. "Then remind me to get on his case when he gets back."

"YES." Lily clapped her hands happily like it was the most fun anyone could have.

"So, what's your plan for today, lil' lady?" Dean asked as his daughter sat on his good lap.

"I wanna draw on your cast." she said excitedly.

"What?" Dean asked with mock horror. "You're kidding, right? It's not on my arm."

"Tommy had a cast on his leg last summer and we all drew on it." She pointed out and Dean felt slightly bad for having no idea who Tommy was. "Just a small one?" she asked hopefully and pointed to Dean's shin. "There. And I'm a good artist. You always say that. Please, Daddy?" She said and kindly reminded her Dad of her talent in case he'd forgotten that, too.

How could anyone say '_no'_ to those pleading green eyes? Especially after what their owner had been through. Dean shook his head fondly. "You're not just a good artist. You're an _amazing_ artist." he smiled as images of him saying those very words to her came to his mind and he hoped that they actually were memories of past events, not something out of his imagination.

When her eyes lit up, he knew he'd nailed it.

"Fine. A small one. And something that I can actually go out with. You hear me, little girl?" he said with a firm voice, even though his eyes were laughing.

"Yesssss. Yesss." she jumped up and down before running to her room to grab her markers.

During the next two hours, Dean sat there patiently and watched his beautiful daughter draw on his cast. It wasn't a small one, but it was nothing flashy either; in fact, Dean kinda liked it since she'd at some point started to draw the Impala among other things.

Lily really knew what she was doing.

They chatted the whole time and Dean was feeling so delighted that for a moment it scared him.

After so many years of the life_ he_'d led, it was engraved on his brain that he was cursed; that he wasn't _meant_ to be happy, because every time that he'd tried it before, something had happened to ruin everything and it scared him to think that he might lose Lily for the same reason. He'd already lost the woman he'd loved the most and he wasn't as healthy as he once used to be, which meant something could happen that'd take him away from Lily. He wasn't worried about himself; no, all he was worried about was his daughter and he didn't want to think about his little girl growing up with neither of her parents around. It really wasn't fair to her. Because as much as he was sure Sam and his girlfriend loved Lily and would take care of her like their own, he knew it just wouldn't be the same. He didn't want for his child, his little innocent girl, to lead the same life as _he_ had.

His heart throbbed painfully with those thoughts and he silently vowed to check the house and everything related to Lily to make sure that she was, at least, safe if there was anything supernatural around. Because let's face it, he was Dean Winchester. _'Cursed'_ was his middle name. What were the chances of everything supernatural leaving him alone? What were the chances of something else not wanting to screw him over? Pretty slim, if you asked him.

His sudden silence and the lines of pain on his face got Lily's attention and she quietly put her markers down and went to the kitchen and grabbed her father's medicine.

"Daddy?" she shook his shoulder and offered the pills.

Dean blinked a few times, looked down at the little hand stretched out in front of his face, holding two bottles of pills and then his eyes went wide with panic. What kind of father lets his five year old child near pills? He swallowed the bile in his throat when he realized that despite his hopes and efforts, Lily was much older than her true age and way too responsible.

"Lily. You shouldn't do this. It's not your job." he took the bottles of pills from her and put them aside, then pulled her to himself. "Your only job is to be a child."

"I am." she stated with confusion. "But... That's not a job, Daddy."

That brought a shadow of smile to his face. At least she wasn't grown up enough to get the meaning behind complicated words.

"Never, _ever_ touch any pills again. You hear me?" he said sternly.

"Never? Not even when I'm as big as you are?"

"We'll talk about that when you actually get to be my size." Dean rolled his eyes. "for now, no pills; unless I'm the one giving them to you when you're sick; on second thought, don't get sick, either."

"But, Dad, Uncle Sam taught me what to do. He said you wouldn't take your pills unless we made you." she protested.

"I promise you that I'll take them like the good boy that I am if you promise me that for the next 20 years, you will _not_ touch a pill or any other dangerous thing." he looked her in the eyes to make sure his words were being understood.

The girl blinked a few times and finally shrugged. "Umm. OK. I promise... Dad?" she asked after a couple of seconds.

"Yes?"

"What other dangerous things?"

"Hmm... The list is long." Dean observed aloud. "Well, you know, things like the stove; anything hot; anything sharp; anything electrical; any type of guns and... And _boys_." he determined at the end.

"Boys?" she giggled. "But _you _are a boy."

"I'm a _man_ and I'm your _father_. Strangers are dangerous, you hear me? Boys or girls. Young or old. In fact, add '_strangers_' to that list." Dean didn't budge under her gaze; he was immune to puppy dog eyes, he'd dealt with enough of them while Sam had been growing up.

Finally the girl nodded. "You've told me that before."

_'Well, I wasn't sure I had.'_ Dean thought ruefully. "I had to make sure." he said out loud.

The girl smiled. "OK, Daddy. I promise. But all the big girls have boyfriends." she batted her eyes sweetly, already wanting to bend the rules.

"Hey." Dean warned, trying to suppress a chuckle. "No boys for the next 30 years."

"I'll be too old by then." she whined.

"Are you calling me old?" Dean feigned hurt which just made Lily laugh.

"Daddy."

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Please?"

"No. No boys. No talking about boys; no nothing about boys." Dean was trying his best to keep the grin off his face. He was going to have his hands full once Lily reached 14.

The small shoulders slumped in defeat. "Fine." she said indignantly.

"Good girl." Dean grinned affectionately and kissed her forehead before taking his pills. "Now finish your artwork so we can order a pizza and watch one of your movies together. How does that sound?"

"Awesome." she smiled widely.

_'Yeah, I probably need to work on her vocabulary, too.'_ Dean thought fondly and decided not to dwell on the things that _might_ happen in the future. He'd talk to Sam about them, later. He couldn't remember, maybe they'd already taken some actions concerning those issues.

_Yes_; for now he'd just enjoy his day with his baby girl and when the night came, he'd discuss the problems with Sam.

Lily, sure, deserved a break from all the dramas that had been happening around her lately.

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**... TBC ...**

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_**OK, no trip down the memory lane in this chapter; I just wanted to add a scene with Dean and Lily. Hope you liked it.**_

_**Let me know what you think. :)**_

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_**All mistakes are mine.**_

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